Sunday, January 25, 2009

Chris Needham is Back(?)

According to NFA, former Capitol Punishment blogger Chris Needham has scored what appears to be a paid blogging gig over at Let me be the second to say welcome back.

To whet your appetite, I brought out my ChrisSpeak Translator. To my amazement, I didn't even have to put anything into it, and it busted out with the following:

"When's this team going to start spending like the major market team that it is? Don't tell me about any Plan either--it's a lousy PR stunt to distract fans for the cheeeeeeeep owners who won't spend a dime on any free agents except those of the dumpster-diving variety, and everyone who isn't a total fucking idiot knows that MLB teams budget year to year and the idea that we're saving up now to spend when we're ready to "get good" is total fucking BS. What a cheap fuck Mark Lerner is. Sell the team, you fuck. And Stan's a used car salesman in the body of an MLB executive. Sell the team and go to hell, Kasten. Yeah, so my big advice for the 2008 season was to sign Andruw Jones and bench Cristian Guzman in favor of Adam Everett. The only reason that didn't work out is because Lenny Harris is a bumbling moron. But now that he's gone we're for sure gonna be teh bestest teem eveh!1!111!!!! Anyone with a pair of eyes can see that the only reason the Nationals weren't in the World Series last year was Lenny. That and the fact that we didn't sign Andruw Jones. And where are my chili nachos?? And cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!1!1111!!!!!1!! If you still don't understand, then I don't think I can help you.
(*cough*) Clearly since you're not agreeing you're a fucking idiot. Mikebasciksucks. (*cough*) Die Stan Die!!!! Ack!! Pohlad!!!!! Stupid incompetent DC Council!! Pffffft!!!! FuckLernerFuckFuckFuck!!!!! Fire Lenny!!! (*loud screeching "mah-mee...mah-mee" noise like a British police car*) Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeap!1!111!!1!!!!"

At that, my ChrisSpeak translator overheated and died, maybe for good. I'm going to let it rest for a few days, just to see if it comes back to life, like my cell phone did when it accidentally went through the laundry. I'll let you know what happens.


Chris Needham said...

Or the condensed SOCH speak translator:

Here's some numbers I don't really understand, but I'm copying them from excel cause some other bloggers are! YOUR RACIST YOU BASTARD CAUSE DUKES IS TEH BESTEST and he's never raped anyone in my immediate family!!!!!!!! Obama is teh Messiah!!! Lick my nuts, JayB! Hey, look at what David Cameron just did!

Hey, that IS kinda fun!

sid bluntley said...

That's hilarious - especially cause it all came from a post about hockey!

As a fan of both FJB and CP, I am just glad you are both writing and bringing some real analysis to Nats fans. Just please don't bring out the Nats320 translator.

Thomas said...

Its the idea of a Nationals Enquirer Translator that frightens me.


Anonymous said...

@Thomas: That idea SHOULD scare you - we barely form complete sentences most of the time over at our place - and when we do - and when we're haven't accidently hit the CAPS LOCK key -if you run the content though a common English to French translator, you'd find that we're actually a collective of angry Expos fans praying that Bud Selig comes to his senses before he croaks and moves the team back to Montreal.